Friday Night Giggles. Yay! Friday!

I found this on my Historical Writers’ Yahoo group. by Alan Fish.

The Official Rules for Medievel Detective Fiction


So. In that light. (Because I’m nothing if not unoriginal) numbers: 3, 6, 9, 11, 13 by

The Official Rules for Gay Erotica

1. If your protagonist is non-human he is not allowed to only be one sort of non-human. He must be a mix of elf/alien/werewolf/[name species]

2. Eyes are never allowed to be either Blue or Brown. They must fall into one of the following colours: Gold, Silver, Green is permissible as long as they change colour and/or have flecks of gold or silver, Violet, Purple, Red, Indigo, Hazel (same rules as Green)

3. No hero or villain is allowed to have brown hair. The hair MUST be blond, silver-blond, silver-gold, black, jet, raven, onyx, obsidian, copper, scarlet or crimson. Brown hair is for secondary characters possessed of no sexuality whatsoever, like family solicitors and loyal peasants.

4. Common names are Not Allowed and will result in immediate ejection from the Gay Erotica Writer’s Society. No hero is called Bill or Tom or Frank. Even humans must have fanciful names and the more fanciful the better. Teodorus, Narciss√©, Sulbani. This generator and no other must be used.

5. Sex IS allowed in the bedroom, but if frowned on if there is somewhere else it could possibly happen. Do not pass over the chance of a gondala, a cloud, the limb of a tree, a cupboard, the possibilities are endless.

6. Under no circumstances is a bisexual allowed to enjoy sex with men and women simply because he enjoys sex with men and women. Bisexuals must be either polyamorous to the point of being in heat 24/7 or so wishy/washy that they don’t know what gender they prefer.

7. All sexual participants are always hard before disrobing.

8. Sex is always fulfilling, orgasmic, earth shattering. There will be no impotetence in any story.

9. Sex is always a sign of true love on someone’s part. Even if one of the partners turns out to be an utter rotter later on, the other one must have been deeply in love, as otherwise the coupling would not have been possible.

10. Penises must be at least 8 inches. The word penis is never to be used, however.

11. There will be no such thing as a gawky adolescent. Any male teenager in a gay romance must be tall, slim, lithe, lean, muscular, unexpectedly manly, have feminine buttocks and, of course, perfect skin. Medium-to-short young men who are either skinny or run to fat and who suffer from acne are not be permitted to be homosexual, as they are not good-looking enough to qualify.

12. No homosexual will EVER be effete, camp, girly. No homosexual will wear pink.

13. All males must carry tape measures around with them, so that they can measure the precise length of their penises, right down to the last millimeter. This is to be considered part of foreplay.

© Copyright 2006 Erastes, All rights Reserved. Written For: Erastes
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