RDE 1: So let me get this straight, whenever this device goes whirr, it means somebody’s saying the Dark Lord’s name.
RDE 2: Yes.
RDE 1: And we Apparate to wherever that is and grab them.
RDE 2: Yes.
RDE 1: Why?
RDE 2: Well, because. Obviously only Harry Potter would dare to use the Dark Lord’s name.
RDE 1: And Dumbledore.
RDE 2: Well, yes, and Dumbledore. But he’s dead.
RDE 1: His ghost could say it. How could we grab a ghost?
RDE 2: He won’t come back as a ghost. No unfinished business, except of course to wrap things up at the end with a long, boring exposition.
RDE 1: Please. He was lord high muckety muck and head of everything that has heads including the train station at XXX for a hundred years. He’s got portraits everywhere. You know we’re going to spend all our time bouncing in and out of boring old offices trying to arrest portraits of Dumble-bore.
RDE 2: I’ll put on a portrait filter. So anyway. Only Harry Potter would dare—
RDE 1: And his mum.
RDE 2: Potter’s mum? Also dead. Haven’t you been paying attention?
RDE 1: No. The Dark Lord’s mum. You don’t think she calls him ‘He who must not be named,’ do you? Imagine calling him in from torturing Muggles in the street. ‘”He Who Must Not be Named, quit Crucio-ing your little friends, it’s time for supper!”
RDE 2: She’s dead too. Honestly, didn’t you read Half Blood Prince?
RDE 1: No, got halfway through the second chapter and gave it up for a waste of good paper.
RDE 2: Can’t argue there. So ANYWAY. Only Harry Potter would dare to use the Dark Lord’s name.
So he says it, we grab him, end of story.
RDE 1: On page 295?
RDE 2: What?
RDE 1: It’s only, what, page 295, 297? You honestly think that will be the end of the story? The silly cow hasn’t written a book that short since Prisoner of Azkaban.
RDE 2: (Looks nostalgic.) Those were the days. Anyway, I don’t doubt he’ll wait to use it till it’s a more appropriate time in the dramatic narrative.
RDE 1: Pretentious, aren’t you? Why do we want to grab Harry Potter anyway? I mean, we’ve won. We’ve got the Ministry, the whole Wizarding World is on our side thanks to a bit of Imperio and good old fashioned fascism. Potter’s alone and friendless.
RDE 2: He’s got that Mudblood girl and the blood traitor Weasley.
RDE 1: As I said, friendless. Why even bother?
RDE 2: Because, you git, he’s trying to kill the Dark Lord.
RDE 1: So? Dark Lord’s been trying to kill him for six books now – I’d say it’s Potter’s turn. He won’t succeed. I mean, he left school – he’s not even a fully trained wizard. No NEWTS.
RDE 2: NEWTS aren’t everything. You didn’t take any NEWTS and you’ve killed people.
RDE 1: I did too take NEWTS.
RDE 2: You never did.
RDE 1: I did so. When I left school, I took 4 NEWTS.
RDE 2: What were they in?
RDE 1: In the Magical Creatures lab. 4 newts, a salamander and a blast-ended skrewt, and you should see the mess THAT made of my trunk.
RDE 2: I’m surprised that cut-rate school you attended even had Magical Creatures.
RDE 1: It’s true. *sighs* We didn’t even have Houses, we had Shacks. Ah, I remember the old days, gathered around the candle (we couldn’t afford a fireplace) in the common room—
RDE 2: You were lucky. Anyway back to the plan, if you don’t mind.
RDE 1: Assume it works, we find him. Then what? I mean, let’s face it. Potter’s put one over on the Dark Lord six years in a row, how are we supposed to have a chance?
RDE 2: You can’t count last year. Nor third year, really, as Potter was fighting Sirius Black, not the Dark Lord, that year. And Black turned out to be on his side, so really he was fighting nobody, wasn’t he? Anyway, we have a spell to use. When we find Potter, we flourish our wands at him and say “Bondagio!”
RDE 1: Bondagio? That’s not a proper spell! It sounds like a line of saucy Italian pumps, or one of those trendy coffee shops with the 3 galleon lattes.
RDE 2: It is too a proper spell. Snape taught it to me. He invented it, like Sexysempra. It’s supposed to create impenetrable bonds that will hold absolutely anybody.
RDE 1: Anybody?
RDE 2: So Snape says.
(They wait. The device goes whirr. The Random Death Eaters evaporate in a cloud of poofy smoke.)
Voldemort: And again I say that I, Lord Voldemort—
RDE 1: Bondagio!
RDE 2: Bondagio!
(Voldemort is instantly trussed up in a leather harness)
RDE 1: Oh my. That’s…interesting. Who did you say Snape was using this on?
RDE 2: I didn’t. Dumbledore, maybe?
RDE 1: Ewwww. I think you can buy that sort of get-up in Knockturn Alley. Could have used a smaller posing pouch, I think. The Dark Lord’s not got much of a package.
RDE 2: No surprise there. You know what they say about the size of the nose. So we’ve got the Dark Lord in impenetrable bonds, what now?
RDE 1: We could turn him over to the Order of the Phoenix.
RDE 2: They’d just bollocks it up. You know, I’m getting bloody sick of this whole mess. I think it’s time to end it.
RDE 1: About 200,000 words past time, if you ask me. What did you have in mind?
RDE 2: You’ll see. Accio Harry Potter!
RDE 1: Accio Harry Potter?!? Accio?? If it was as easy as that, we could have spared ourselves a million words of tripe! Are you fucking serious?
RDE 2: Not anymore, he’s dead. And it worked on Hagrid on page 62, so why not?
(Harry Potter appears)
RDE 2: Bondagio! Now, where’s Luscious Malfoy?
RDE 1: He’s over there. I think he’s in shock – probably just got a look at his hair in a mirror. And it’s Lucius, you know.
RDE 2: You say it your way, I say it mine. Look. Say we let these two have at each other. You know Potter’s going to win. And then what? Nineteen years from now we’ll be trapped in a banal, heteronormative, middle class fantasy of the 1950’s, and before you know it, there’ll be another Dark Lord. Why not bypass the wait and make sure we have a proper Dark Lord, one with nice hair and some sense of style.
RDE 1: I can’t argue with that. And what about us? What do we do?
RD2: Wedding planners. I see a lot of weddings in the near future.
RDE 1: You, maybe. I don’t think I’m gay enough.
RDE2: No gays allowed in this series, I’m afraid. So that’s no good.
RDE1: What else then?
RDE2: Well… there’s going to be a lot of death. A load of collateral damage. There’s going to be a lot of blame after all this… A lot of people seeking reparation…
RDE 1: *gasps* You can’t mean….
RDE 2: Yup. Lawyers. Compensation Lawyers. Luscious can fund us.
RDE1: Oh, boy. You ARE evil.
RDE2 : *GRINS*© Copyright 2007 Erastes, All rights Reserved. Written For: Erastes