Whilst doing the In-depth Spork of Deathly Hallows we’ve discovered some very interesting things. Other than the obvious that Harry does nothing (including failing to die) throughout and everything else is done by others, Jo can’t use a colon to save her life and thinks sentence structure is something that happens to other people, we have found at least three places where the book – and in one case the entire saga – should have never happened and should have disappeared up its own arsehole.

Idiocy 1. How did they get to Shell Cottage? Bill, we are told, is the Secret Keeper. How is Ron able to tell Harry about the place, and exactly where it is? How is HARRY able to tell Dobby about it, and how then is Dobby able to get there? The only person who can tell anyone is BILL.

Idiocy 2. When Voldemort is looking for Gregorovich he meets a witch in a house. She doesn’t help him and he’s a bit annoyed. Suddenly some children come running up the passageway and she throws out her arms to protect them from the blast of the AK that he fires at her. She died for them – so why didn’t VM revert to Spirit Voldie?

Idiocy 3. Secret Keepers. Jo has said that when a Secret Keeper dies the secret is transferred to those who know the secret. Apply that to October 31st 1981.

–Peter was the Secret Keeper. Note: HE’S NOT DEAD
–Peter told Voldemort. This doesn’t make Voldemort a SK.
–Voldemort is reduced to nothing (not dead, but it doesn’t matter because he’s not a SK)
–So… How does Sirius get there? How does he tell anyone where he is? How does Hagrid know where to find them? How, in fact does anyone see the place at ALL? Harry should have died of starvation and the whole saga could not possibly have happened. In fact – Harry and Hermione could not have seen the house as PETER is NOT DEAD and did not tell them where it is.

Unless anyone’s got any thoughts on the subject?

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