ok–here’s the update

sorry sorry – I’ve been missing and there’s no real good reason for it.

Basically the short story is that Dad went into mental assessment, and was found not to need full time mental care but did need to go into care so that’s what’s happened. I didn’t deal with it very well and for months now I’ve been hiding away from the world in general. I haven’t been chatting, or emailing (my email inbox is at the 3,000 mark…) I haven’t been writing and I can’t even find the enthusiasm to READ. That worries me because I’ve always been a voracious reader and now I can’t stay focussed to read more than a couple of pages. I am fairly sure it’s depression but whether it’s because of Dad or the last 18 months of winter or my age I don’t know.

I have an appointment with the doc this evening, but I’m not holding out much hope that he’ll be any help.

Dad has really gone downhill. It may be the drugs but he’s almost immobile – six months ago he was fitter than me, and could run and climb ladders and the like, now he can hardly stand and he shuffles about. He’s gone almost entirely grey (this may not sound unusual for an 84 year old but he’s never been grey until now) and LOOKS 84 if not older. He doesn’t talk just sits. I am sure he knows who I am and he’s probably pleased to see me but I doubt he knows I was there and he doesn’t miss me. It’s a bit of a shock to realise that both parents have gone, especially if one is still there in shell form, at least.

I just have no interest in doing anything. Like right this minute, I’m sitting in Dad’s house and I should be packing china into boxes and frankly I can’t be arsed but I know it has to be done. Instead I’m blogging this and watching coronation street and playing freecell. I’ve just never felt like this before, and it’s not nice.

I feel better than I did, perhaps a month or so ago, perhaps that’s the better weather – I’ve been making sure I go and sit in the sun for at least half an hour a day, thanks goodness for sasha, because she has to have her run and therefore I have to go out. Thank goodness for her in general, as she refuses to let me cry which I found myself doing a lot until recently, she LAUNCHES herself onto my lap and licks me until i start laughing and all the tears have gone. She’s very anti-crying!

anyway – that’s the situation at the mo, because of my inability to want to do anything I haven’t got the house cleared/decorated/cleaned but that should all be happening in the next week or so. then i can get it rented out, but even with two decent pensions AND the rental, it’s not going to cover the £600 a week care home fee, so the rest will accumulate as a debt against the house, but it SHOULD mean that as only a portion of the fees will go against the house, there SHOULD be some money left in the equity when the house comes to me. that’s if dad goes first! I’ve also got a work experience placement to apply for, and I’m worried sick as to what to do with Sasha, she’ll have to go into kennels, I suppose as a daily boarder and I hate to do that to her. that’s if I get it, so I’ll worry about that if i do.

so, I’ll try and be around a bit more, even if it’s only once a week. I have some editing to do for “I Knew Him” which needs to be done by end of July so it will come out later in the year so I’ll keep you posted on that too.

Cheers, me dears.

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2 Responses to ok–here’s the update

  1. Amazon Doc says:

    Hang in there. I hope your doc does get you some help — and I hope you have some friends to lean on, as well!

  2. Erastes I terribly sorry to hear of your father’s decline in health, and the horrible strain it has on you. I know how it is care for some you love, and often besides the grief, their is often a feeling of guilt. sometimes we don’t have a choice and this is clearly out of your hands, it’s tough. I hope it gets better somehow, my prayers are with you, God bless.

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